by a thread

this blog is kinda dying. and i need to do something to revive it. soon. but i’ve been barely surviving with the scraps amount of sleep i can get.

so i’ve finally started work. at a really good pr firm. one of the top 3 in the region in fact. and im really really happy i got the job. it was that or nothing. so thank god for that. im refusing to out the name down in case this comes up in any searches. u’ll never know. work starts in an hour and im feeling even more exhausted than before i went to bed. i seriously need a break soon.

i love the shit loads of work. maybe not all the time, but the stress level is good. keeps you going. at least pushing me to reach to my 5-year goal/plans. i had just shared it with my director yesterday, so hopefully that will stick in his head. i actually enjoy working there quite a bit. i just HATE the waking up at 7 every morning. i totally totally hate it. and i hate my damn freaing slow ass grandmother of a computer. it freakin freezes when i need multiple tabs. so much for being efficient. everyday im this close to murdering it. they seriously need to do something about it soon. besides that everything else seems to be going good. maybe except the fact that they make me do stupid stuff that interns do sometimes. which i hate. dont freakin treat me like an intern when you’ve got tons running around the office! oh well. im giving it some time. when the time’s up i’m not gonna sit there and be quiet about it.

so im gonna be late for work. AGAIN! cab fare is totally killing me. argh. and its a headache finding clothes to wear every morning. damn i need to shop. oh well.. till then..i would write more about funny things that go on in the office, and maybe out of it too.

fuunny#1
my manager was interviewing this girl for an internship yesterday. apparently she was from rjc and my school. what a shame. and the conversation went like this:

manager: so what brings you to edelman?
girl: oh.. the bus. i took the bus here.
manager: nonono, let me rephrase, what made you want to come to edelman?
girl: ooh.. my prof. and because everyone said it was good
manager: ok.. so tell me more about yourself. what do you like to do in your free time?
girl: um.. chatting on msn.
manager: do you have any questions for me?
girl: yes, is this those places that you would have to read alot of newspapers? because i dont like to do that.

so much for getting the job girl.. u totally swept your interviewer off her feet.i mean seriously?! the things you say at an interview?! and to think you came from rjc and is in a communications university. i’m ashame you even go to my university. but the bus thing is still pretty hilarious!

hanging high

i enjoy holding your hands, your gentle kisses. i love the way your eyes brighten when you get excited, love the way ur mind works when ure serious. but im confused. confused about what this is, what i am, where this is going or how its even gonna turn  out. honestly sometimes i dont know what to act. i dont know what im suppose to be even. and all i can do i assume. which i hate doing. which is infact what gets most people into trouble.

the things you do surprise me sometimes. some good, some bad. at times you make me feel like im special and everything else doesnt matter, yet sometimes it seems like im just another girl on the street just like everyone else. i really wish you could take a walk in my shoes, and see things from my perspective. perhaps it would answer a lot of your questions, cuz you cant quite answer a question with a doubt. i never liked being left hanging, being left out of the loop. it gets me really confused, and prolly makes me think a bit too much than what i should.

i wish i didnt have to feel this insecure, never wanted to hang on to something which doesnt seem to be there most of the times. i dont want to get my hopes up and see them crash, neither do i wanna give myself false hopes. its tiring. honestly it drains me out sometimes. and its not easy going on not knowing anything else except the fact that you do know everything. i dont want to walk away, neither do i want wake up someday and find out that you never really wanted to stay..

on top of my game

ive never been happier having my stress levels raised this way.

the enchanted forest

sometimes i wish u were right by my side. just to hold me and not say a word. sometimes i dont even understand why the tears just fall. sometimes it hurts, sometimes it doesnt make sense too. but its a secret beauty, that only i see. and its when you find something that’s as enchanting and raw, something so real and unpolished, that u really do know, that’s what special means.

my pillow still smells like you

always love – nada surf

the surprise party for evelyn on saturday turned out pretty cool. kieron was so sweet to plan the whole entire thing. there was even a fake planed party to distract her. it was really really sweet. especially the part when she teared. its quite rare to see guys but in so much effort these days. and im dreamin on my prince charming to come sweep me off my feet one day. every girl dreams of that.

dessert and coffee after was lovely. someone felt a little adventurous so we traveled all around singapore, almost. somehow it didnt feel like time was passing by so quickly at all. there were moments i wished time had froze right there and then.everything else doesnt matter sometimes, when you’ve got the right company.

i don’t like goodbyes. never did.

i kissed you while you were still sleeping

we are golden – mika

major party at zouk on Friday. somehow everyone from church was down. and drinks were never ending. i think by 1 or 2 everyone was pretty smashed. and its so bizarre how much silly stuff the guys would do when they’re high. funny as hell. dancing off the dance floor was way better than dancing in it. 2 songs and i was too grossed out by the sweaty bodies making out. i never understood that.

i was so so glad theo and josh came too. at least there was some sane company. and somehow my friends said im on my phone texting or doing something half the time. i never ever realize that. oh well.. it was a decently fun night. i think im getting too old to party.. then again, maybe it just wasnt crazy enough..

don’t wanna stop at hello

im afraid that im stumbling onto something i shouldnt go near to. not now at least. it feels like walking into a candy store and finding the secret door to the hidden factory. im afraid to think of you, yet there are so many things i wanna tell you. and when i do see you, its like my brain stops functioning, and its just blank, and all i wanna do is stare at you.

sometimes u ask me why do i look at you like that? or why do i give you that look? but honestly im not giving u any look. i dont even know what it is. im just finding my way back to earth again. u take my mind to places ive never dreamt of. pleasant, maybe not, but each experience is new, wild and surreal. u make me think. a lot about things people normally overlook, about the things we tend to just brush aside or are too scared to face up to. i admire your courage to face the blunt truth, even though sometimes i find the truths too real to believe. i believe there’s a miracle in everything, but the miracle in you is that you turn that into logic which actually makes sense.

and we danced like there’s no tomorrow

more photos of last wed’s girls night out. for a moment i did feel like old times. dancing our hearts out with not a single care in the world. things change, people grow old, but the special moments will always be there.

shake shake shake, shake boom!

i can’t seem to make you mine – the clientele

yet another mambo night, with close to no alcohol and very bad music. it just keeps getting worse now. but the night was rather entertaining with countless of weird dudes dancing their asses off. it was hilarious and we couldnt stop laughing. the top 2 of the night had to be mr shake-your-booty-till-it-drops and mr squid.

mr shake-your-booty-till-it-drops was vigorous. ive never seen someone dance so hard he looked as if he was trying to pop his butt out. it was as if beyonce’s krumping spirit kinda possessed him. and boy did he go low low loww.. and mind u this was all in mambo. none of that hiphop rnb grinding shit for him to drop it like its hot. i never expected anyone to dance this way to happy bubbly mambo tunes.

and next we had mr squid. with his long tentacles all shaking like jelly. i think there was a point i actually wondered if he had bones in his arms and shoulders. it was kinda scary and funny as hell. from far it looked like he was a piece of jelly fish and someone took him and shook him real hard and everything just jiggled and squiggled all over.

kudos to the top 2 dancers of the night!

being perfectly sober is hilariously funny. especially on a wednesday. and i still can’t figure out what it is but there’s something about the oldies and disco that makes you happy.

patience

catching the butterfly – the verve

they say you wont walk out of the valley until you’ve found what you were supposed to learn. how do you find something if you feel like you’re the one that’s lost? people have told me that i’m confused. im a confused girl or i dont know what i want.

but why is it that i feel like i do know what i want. i know what i need, but i just dont know how to start or go about to get it? somehow the variables outweigh the constant. and i feel somewhat stuck. perhaps it the fear of taking that risk, to commit to something and not look back. men fail. people fail you, all the time. and i just wish for once i could do something just for myself. im tired of getting played, being cheated, used whatever. no im not holdng any grudges, i cant be bothered to with worthless people. i just would like to accomplish something to tell the whole world to shut the hell up about judging me.

im not complaining about how sucky my life is. things have been pretty alright. just moving at a very slow pace. little surprises here and there keeps the smile on my face. you have been sweet, even though u’d hate to admit that. i guess as humans we are never contented with what we have. we always want a bit more. and i guess tts not exactly bad. i mean,  i need to find my direction again. i need to start my career. its been stagnant for way too long and im running outta time. its like a part of me has to start working. but this doesnt mean the rest of me isnt working just fine. im trying very hard to be patient. trying to not give up. ive always been a fighter, and now sitting and waiting just isnt quite my thing.

i told him that my sheets smelled like him, and he replied, “i marked my territory”.

im glad you’re over. and its a new me.

i feel like an idiot, thank you very much

ignorance is bliss. i don’t wanna know anymore.

its was lies, disguised pathetically as the truth of the heart. i never should have bought into the source without doubting it. it was too good to be true, the things you said, the things you made me believe.  i’ve always known, and should have gone with my guts and stayed far away i should have listened to my friends, i should have even listened to your friends, or so called. cuz that would have prevented  me from making myself a big complete idiot.

its not the hurt that sucks, its just feeling like a complete fool that kills. well, its not like im already dead. im glad parts of things were removed long ago, or have been started for that matter. they say everything happens for a reason, and i should have gone with my guts and seen the signs.

all the sugar coated, honey flavoured words are nothing but the harsh reality that you are just the same as the others. and now all i can blame is my brilliant self. i don’t blame you, you played it well, and u won. kudos. like i said its feeling like a fool that would make me wanna kill myself. but no, life doesnt revolve around you and its just begun for me. i don’t care about anything now.

im just shocked how people can lie to you with a straight face and go to bed with every inch of conscience not eating them alive. how much people bend over backwards to fulfill their selfish desires, materialism, emotional, whatever, and forgo their values and what not. it makes me sick to even write this. and sunday’s are supposed to be fun and happy. but its so far its been fucked up.

i should have seen it coming,
i should have read the signs
its like stupid boy bands singing
a total waste of time.

isnt this the cutest baby?!

knocking on the doors of heaven

im starting to wonder what the hell is wrong with me. maybe there really is something very very wrong with me that i dont even see. its been almost 3 months of bumming and i haven’t even found  job. and its so sick hearing people ask time and time agin have i found one. yeah, i know you care, but its me that is the issue. each time someone asks that, i feel ask if im put up on stage for a whole class of pretty smart intelligent girls to laugh and mock at. its the type that makes you wanna hide your head and die. ive done almost everything, tried so many companies, even those ive no interest in, written countless resumes, went for tests, assignments what not, did everything i could to hang in there and not give up. and it still seems like i havent moved a spot. seriously is there something so wrong im so blinded to see? I’ve even had positive feedbacks, then why isnt there any doors being open? didn’t god say ask and it shall be given, seek and you shall find, knock and the doors will be open. and ive been banging my head off the boards its sore and hurting and im so drained.

im sick of pity, of empathy and all those oh im so sorry dont give up crap ive been getting. i know you all mean well and i appreciate it. but there is seriously something very wrong. and that all just means the same as telling me that im useless and its so hopeless that i cant land myself a decent job. every night i go to bed wishing and hoping that the next morning would be the day everything turns around.  and every morning i drag myself out of bed to check my email and drink up the disappointment for breakfast. i feel like ive let myself down, let my parents down, let everyone else down. some even find it hard to believe i cant get a job. come on i mean is it really that difficult? its not like i failed uni of did badly, im a freakin 2nd class honors for crying out loud, and with experience as well. then what the hell is wrong?

the whole process is just constantly on repeat in my head, wherever i go, on the train or bus or in the shopping malls. i seem happy, carefree.. but in actual fact im totally dying inside. i cannot function without any stress or work. and each day that passes a bit of the inside just dies. and im so afraid that it’ll all just die. ive wasted enough tears, and millions of brain cells pondering. they say in life there are those who just sit and complain and those who actually go out and make something happen. am i not making anything happen? ive done as much as even initiating a follow up meeting, which did pay off but still.. zilch. im tired. i wish i could take a break. all i can go is to have faith, pray and wait. patience isnt always my best virtue but i really dont see how waiting is gonna solve anything. ive sought help, consults, recommendations and so many other things. ran out of companies to apply to even. and all i can do after writing all these is to drwn myself in tears and hopefully wake up with hope praying that its gonna be the day that everything turns around.

i hate feeling this way, i hate feeling so hopeless. i know i have to let go and let god handle it, and i am trying so hard, just to hang in there and have faith. i will never be able to forgive myself if something went wrong. never ever. and honestly, there is only so much anyone can take. i dont want to go to bed struggling to fall asleep in anxiety that im never gonna find a job, neither do i wanna have disappointment for breakfast again tomorrow.

i need to know what is wrong.

that’s some huge nuts we’ve got there..

nothing is sound – stars

ive just uploaded my photos from my phone.. and totally forgot i even took these! this was from one friday night after butter with cass, dre and his friend shannon. we were on our way to spize for supper and we saw some skank clothed in almost nothing and the next we knew, shannon had hit something by the road and punctured his tyre!

so we were right outside UE Square, 2 hopeless girls and 1 very clueless dj trying to fix his friend’s car, or rather change the tyre. i have to say the the funniest thing i heard all night was from Dre saying he’d had experience changing a tyre.. but from his fixie bike..

it was pretty funny cuz neither of us had done it before, and his car was huge.. and it took us like 20mins just to search for the car jack. that was after massive googling and searching for instructions on where it was hidden! thank god we got some help from shannon’s uncle..

tt was how big the so called ‘nuts’ were!