you are the only person who can make me feel guilty about being angry, you constantly remind me of how worthless, ugly and underachieved i am. thanks, i really don’t need that reminder. you make me feel like im trapped in this prison called home and i wish and pray that somehow things will change for the better. but it doesn’t. and its a viscous cycle that makes me sick. i just want to leave it all behind and start afresh somewhere new.
i don’t think i remember how not to hurt anymore. its something that has built its home in my heart. most of the time it’s kept inside and suppressed, but when field day comes, i really just wanna rip it out and toss it into the ocean.
The more I can’t have it, the more I want it.
But once I’ve gotten it, somehow it’s isn’t quite the same anymore.
Perhaps what I like is the idea of a “you”, but not an actual “you”. Sometimes, it really does feel like I’ve completely lost it – the ability to feel – joy, pain, anger, anything, something real. I’m not talking about annoyance, or happiness anything temporal.
Perhaps I don’t even know what I want anymore. I do know what I don’t want though. Or perhaps I really do, I just don’t dare admit it. Singlehood is annoying, like some sort of a disease and it hits you like a plague and somehow everyone just steers clear and magically finds love. Clearly something I can’t seem to get. And if that’s not all, things actually do spiral downwards from there. It’s actually starting to sound more like a rant.
Underachievement – how is this one measured? Sometimes I feel like my career is at a standstill, it’s stuck and I don’t even comprehend why the heck I am still stuck here when everyone around me seems to be travelling the world. Opportunity doesn’t just come knocking when you sit on your bum – but why does that contradict the fact that there’s a right time and space for everything?
Appreciation – they say as you grow older, the people around you get fewer and fewer. and woe to the one who is unlike the norm of having just one group of friends they can hang with week after week. sadly, i can’t, don’t have one, don’t know how to have one either. once a free spirit, always a free spirit. they forgot to tell me that a free spirit is also often alone. and yet, no one ever wants to be alone.