im starting to wonder what the hell is wrong with me. maybe there really is something very very wrong with me that i dont even see. its been almost 3 months of bumming and i haven’t even found job. and its so sick hearing people ask time and time agin have i found one. yeah, i know you care, but its me that is the issue. each time someone asks that, i feel ask if im put up on stage for a whole class of pretty smart intelligent girls to laugh and mock at. its the type that makes you wanna hide your head and die. ive done almost everything, tried so many companies, even those ive no interest in, written countless resumes, went for tests, assignments what not, did everything i could to hang in there and not give up. and it still seems like i havent moved a spot. seriously is there something so wrong im so blinded to see? I’ve even had positive feedbacks, then why isnt there any doors being open? didn’t god say ask and it shall be given, seek and you shall find, knock and the doors will be open. and ive been banging my head off the boards its sore and hurting and im so drained.
im sick of pity, of empathy and all those oh im so sorry dont give up crap ive been getting. i know you all mean well and i appreciate it. but there is seriously something very wrong. and that all just means the same as telling me that im useless and its so hopeless that i cant land myself a decent job. every night i go to bed wishing and hoping that the next morning would be the day everything turns around. and every morning i drag myself out of bed to check my email and drink up the disappointment for breakfast. i feel like ive let myself down, let my parents down, let everyone else down. some even find it hard to believe i cant get a job. come on i mean is it really that difficult? its not like i failed uni of did badly, im a freakin 2nd class honors for crying out loud, and with experience as well. then what the hell is wrong?
the whole process is just constantly on repeat in my head, wherever i go, on the train or bus or in the shopping malls. i seem happy, carefree.. but in actual fact im totally dying inside. i cannot function without any stress or work. and each day that passes a bit of the inside just dies. and im so afraid that it’ll all just die. ive wasted enough tears, and millions of brain cells pondering. they say in life there are those who just sit and complain and those who actually go out and make something happen. am i not making anything happen? ive done as much as even initiating a follow up meeting, which did pay off but still.. zilch. im tired. i wish i could take a break. all i can go is to have faith, pray and wait. patience isnt always my best virtue but i really dont see how waiting is gonna solve anything. ive sought help, consults, recommendations and so many other things. ran out of companies to apply to even. and all i can do after writing all these is to drwn myself in tears and hopefully wake up with hope praying that its gonna be the day that everything turns around.
i hate feeling this way, i hate feeling so hopeless. i know i have to let go and let god handle it, and i am trying so hard, just to hang in there and have faith. i will never be able to forgive myself if something went wrong. never ever. and honestly, there is only so much anyone can take. i dont want to go to bed struggling to fall asleep in anxiety that im never gonna find a job, neither do i wanna have disappointment for breakfast again tomorrow.
i need to know what is wrong.