Monthly Archives: September 2009

knocking on the doors of heaven

im starting to wonder what the hell is wrong with me. maybe there really is something very very wrong with me that i dont even see. its been almost 3 months of bumming and i haven’t even found¬† job. and its so sick hearing people ask time and time agin have i found one. yeah, i know you care, but its me that is the issue. each time someone asks that, i feel ask if im put up on stage for a whole class of pretty smart intelligent girls to laugh and mock at. its the type that makes you wanna hide your head and die. ive done almost everything, tried so many companies, even those ive no interest in, written countless resumes, went for tests, assignments what not, did everything i could to hang in there and not give up. and it still seems like i havent moved a spot. seriously is there something so wrong im so blinded to see? I’ve even had positive feedbacks, then why isnt there any doors being open? didn’t god say ask and it shall be given, seek and you shall find, knock and the doors will be open. and ive been banging my head off the boards its sore and hurting and im so drained.

im sick of pity, of empathy and all those oh im so sorry dont give up crap ive been getting. i know you all mean well and i appreciate it. but there is seriously something very wrong. and that all just means the same as telling me that im useless and its so hopeless that i cant land myself a decent job. every night i go to bed wishing and hoping that the next morning would be the day everything turns around.  and every morning i drag myself out of bed to check my email and drink up the disappointment for breakfast. i feel like ive let myself down, let my parents down, let everyone else down. some even find it hard to believe i cant get a job. come on i mean is it really that difficult? its not like i failed uni of did badly, im a freakin 2nd class honors for crying out loud, and with experience as well. then what the hell is wrong?

the whole process is just constantly on repeat in my head, wherever i go, on the train or bus or in the shopping malls. i seem happy, carefree.. but in actual fact im totally dying inside. i cannot function without any stress or work. and each day that passes a bit of the inside just dies. and im so afraid that it’ll all just die. ive wasted enough tears, and millions of brain cells pondering. they say in life there are those who just sit and complain and those who actually go out and make something happen. am i not making anything happen? ive done as much as even initiating a follow up meeting, which did pay off but still.. zilch. im tired. i wish i could take a break. all i can go is to have faith, pray and wait. patience isnt always my best virtue but i really dont see how waiting is gonna solve anything. ive sought help, consults, recommendations and so many other things. ran out of companies to apply to even. and all i can do after writing all these is to drwn myself in tears and hopefully wake up with hope praying that its gonna be the day that everything turns around.

i hate feeling this way, i hate feeling so hopeless. i know i have to let go and let god handle it, and i am trying so hard, just to hang in there and have faith. i will never be able to forgive myself if something went wrong. never ever. and honestly, there is only so much anyone can take. i dont want to go to bed struggling to fall asleep in anxiety that im never gonna find a job, neither do i wanna have disappointment for breakfast again tomorrow.

i need to know what is wrong.

Advertisements

5 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

that’s some huge nuts we’ve got there..

nothing is sound – stars

ive just uploaded my photos from my phone.. and totally forgot i even took these! this was from one friday night after butter with cass, dre and his friend shannon. we were on our way to spize for supper and we saw some skank clothed in almost nothing and the next we knew, shannon had hit something by the road and punctured his tyre!

so we were right outside UE Square, 2 hopeless girls and 1 very clueless dj trying to fix his friend’s car, or rather change the tyre. i have to say the the funniest thing i heard all night was from Dre saying he’d had experience changing a tyre.. but from his fixie bike..

it was pretty funny cuz neither of us had done it before, and his car was huge.. and it took us like 20mins just to search for the car jack. that was after massive googling and searching for instructions on where it was hidden! thank god we got some help from shannon’s uncle..

car breakdown

tt was how big the so called ‘nuts’ were!

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

spring in october

Disturbia Money- Max B Remix ft FX and French Montana

sharons bday prep

sharons bday prep1

sharon’s big 21st partyis just around the corner, and i’ve been running around with her getting stuff and looking for a dress. its always fun planning for a party..and the girl hasnt changed one bit since..party shops, chinatown, ayam penyat and more! she’s the baby sister we all never had..


Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

tumblr_kohmcyRpP31qzb2vjo1_400

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

its like fruit punch in my head

i’d really wish i’d understand what’s going on all inside. i wish i have the guts to actually tell you how the heck i feel, how messed up and confused u leave me to be, how happy you make me sometimes, and how paranoid that i did something wrong, how insecure you make me feel at times, how much u make my blood boil i wanna just tell you to shut the hell up and show some respect, and how much i’d just want to give u a big hug and kiss you.

my heads all tangled up in my heart my grammar isn’t even right.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

the mutual weirdness

K4ZnAXEKami46n83uLSk2Rpko1_400

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Spring ’10

everyone’s talking about fashion week, with the new spring season rolling in. here are a few of my favourites:

Marc Jacobs
00160m

00140m

Twenty8Twelve by Sienna & Savannah Miller

00140m-1

00010m

Marchesa

00070m

00080m-1

00190m

aren’t the dresses impeccable?!

Proenza Schouler
00040m

Christopher Kane
00080m

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized